2010...What a Year!

As we wind down 2010, I really wanted to write something about what this year has meant to me.  I don't even know where to start.  I think I can safely say that 2010 has been the best year of my life, so far.  When I look back on where I was this time last year, it is completely different from right now.  In 2010, I started this blog (and kept with it for nine months!) which is certainly a first for me!  I also started vlogging on youtube.  I only started that a couple months ago, and I have few videos, but there will certainly be more to come in 2011!  I also got involved with a new collab channel that is set to start mid-January (hopefully!).  And that is just my Internet life!

This summer, I explored an entirely new part of Canada, somewhere I had never been before.  I essentially moved to a new part of the country for three months to work at the most amazing job I ever could have asked for.  The people I worked with are some of the greatest people I know, and I hope to stay friends with them for a very long time.  I also met some amazing kids, campers that I will never forget, and who completely changed my life.  Completely.  I can't even explain the affect these campers had on me.  I am a different, much more optimistic and happy person thanks to these girls, who did nothing other than be themselves for ten days.

I am also now living completely on my own for the first time (not with my parents or in residence).  This is huge.  Although I like to think of myself as an independent person, I've never had to do everything myself.  When I lived at home, my mom would do the grocery shopping, cook the meals, and do the laundry.  I helped out where I could, but none of it was ever my responsibility.  When I started university, and lived in res, I was responsible for most things in my life--except food.  I had a meal card, and went to the main dining hall for all my meals.  I never had to cook any of my own meals, or do grocery shopping, or anything like that.  Now, I have to budget my money, buy all my groceries, cook all my own meals, everything.  I am completely, one hundred percent independent and responsible for everything in my life.  And, you know, I couldn't be happier.  I love living on my own!  And now, when I come home (to my mom's house, where I grew up) it feels like a treat to have my mom cook meals for me, or do my laundry.  I now truly appreciate everything she does for me.

All in all, 2010 has been amazing.  I am the happiest I have been in as long as I can remember, and I legitimately don't think I have any complaints about 2010.  Sitting here, right now, I seriously cannot think of a single thing I would change about 2010.  Maybe I would add a boyfriend into the mix...but realistically, there isn't even anyone in my life right now who I would want as a boyfriend.  That's how happy I am!  I can only hope that 2011 is half as good as 2010 has been!

High: I got a whole lot of errands done today--it was a very productive day!
Low: I have zero plans for tonight, for the first time...ever.  Sigh.  This is what happens when all your friends are half way across the country!
Thankful: for the best year of my life!

Books read this year: ...I don't want to talk about it.
Days left at home: 5 (where did these three weeks go?!)

Happy New Year everybody!  Hope you all had great 2010s, and that 2011 is all you could ask for, and more!
love<3

P.S. I am an idiot!  I totally forgot that I wrote a 50,000 word novel in less than a month!!  Talk about a huge accomplishment in my life!!  The novel isn't quite finished yet, and I haven't even started editing, although I should probably get on that pretty soon.  There are too many people in my life who want to read it for me to put it off any longer.  But yea, I also wrote a novel this year!

Pure Relaxation :)

You know what the crazy thing about time is?  It always moves forward!  And it never stops!

OK, I know what you're saying: Um, duh!  But you know how when you're anticipating something it seems like time slows down and takes four times longer than it should to happen?  Or when you're dreading something, it happens that much sooner?  Well, surprise, both things take the exact same amount of time!  Case in point: I am done exams, and done the semester from hell.  I am also home, in the house I grew up in, for three weeks for Christmas break.

I finished exams and flew home on Thursday (four days ago).  And talk about a crazy day!  I had my stats exam at 9 in the morning, and then my chem exam (my last exam!) at noon.  That exam ended at 2:30, after which I had to run home, finish packing, finish cleaning my room, and then haul ass to the airport, because I had a flight that left at 5:30.  Talk about a hectic day!  How I didn't miss my flight is still a mystery to me.  Of course, as soon as I sat down on that airplane...wow, what a great feeling of relief!

Since I got home, I have basically watched a lot of Christmas movies, lied around doing nothing, done some Christmas shopping and...not a whole heck of a lot else!  And it just feels so great, after a terrible semester, to be able to lie around all day doing nothing, and not feel guilty about it!  For my biggest stress to be Christmas shopping and not a damn thing else!  I love no school. :)

High: today I finished all my shopping for my dad, and I only have a few things left to buy for my mom, and then I'm done!
Low: all the crowds and traffic today.  It's the middle of the day on Monday! Don't people work anymore?!
Thankful: that I can buy some great gifts for the people I love. :)

Books read this year: 46 (I am so close to being done number 47! I've still got 11 days left!)
Days until Christmas: 5!

love <3

No...More...Studies!

So you know when you've been working really hard at something, and it's been taking all your time and energy, and you've just been super stressed about it, and it feels like it's never going to end...but then it does?  You know the feeling you get when you are finally finished with whatever has been stressing you out?  That really calm feeling, like you have nothing to worry about anymore, and things are just going great in your life?  Do you know what I'm talking about?  Yea, I don't.

This morning I wrote my third of five exams.  sjkehtiuawhytauegh.  That's how I feel about exams.  Especially because it seems like so many people I know are already done!  I know that that means they probably had four exams in four days, or whatever, but still.  That doesn't make me feel any better about only being just over half done!

In other news, I will be on an airplane, on my way home, in a mere 52 hours.  Holy man, am I ever excited for that!  It just does not feel right for it to be Christmas and to not be home.  I mean, Christmas isn't for another 11 days, and I don't think I've actually missed anything yet, but I still want to go home, really badly.

Can you tell I'm procrastinating right now?  I have two exams and two days left, but unfortunately...I'm kind of studied out.  I don't want to study!!  You can't make me!!! (I'm going...)

High: finally finishing math! (...for now)
Low: still have stats and chem left...yikes!
Thankful: that I'm going home in two days!

Books read this year: 46
Exams left until Christmas break: 2
Days until Christmas: 11

love <3

What's the Point?

So if you're in university (or college) and you're currently writing exams, or if you just like surfing the internet, you've probably heard of the site likealittle.com.  It's a site where people around campus post comments about other people they see around campus.  I personally think it is the stupidest concept for a website ever.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I think it's hilarious, and it's a decent way to procrastinate (as if I need any more of those!) but I know there are people out there who take this kind of stuff really seriously!  I mean, how can people actually think that leaving a post on a random website about a guy or girl you see somewhere on campus who you think looks good will make any kind of difference about anything?!  I guess I compare likealittle to sites like textsfromlastnight or fml, etc and I don't fully get how or why people take them so seriously.

A few hours ago I wrote my first final for this semester.  It has organic chem, which is probably the final I was most worried about.  I think it went decent, and either way, it's over now.  This course is my one and only organic course, and hopefully my last chemistry course (other than the other chem course I'm doing this semester...but you know what I mean).  Frankly, even if it wasn't the best exam I've ever written, at least it's over now and I don't have to worry about it anymore.  Unfortunately, I have my second exam, biochem, tomorrow morning.  I've spent the last few days almost entirely focused on organic chem and therefore have barely even started studying biochem.  This is a very bad thing.  So, of course, I am currently blogging and watching Gossip Girl.  Because what else do you do when you have a 60% final in 13.5 hours and you've barely studied?!

OK, confession time: I hate studying, and I also really hate school.  I mean, not just in the exam time way that everyone kind of resents school, but in the year-round hatred kind of way.  I mean, when I was in high school and stuff and school was getting on my nerves, I would always think about why I was doing it, and what the point was, and that made it all worth it.  But now...when I think about why I'm in university, I genuinely can't come up with an answer.  I mean, I guess having a university degree is important, but, really...it's a dollar store piece of paper that I could probably print myself.  It will either be framed, hung on my wall and otherwise forgotten about, or I'll just lose it.  I guess these days, when I try to think about why I'm in school, I can't come up with a reason, and I've really been asking myself...is it worth it?  I'm not so sure that it is.

High: organic chem is done!
Low: biochem in the morning...wish me luck!
Thankful: that one week right now I'll be on an airplane, more than halfway home!

Books read this year: 46
Exams left until Christmas break: 4
Days until Christmas: 16

love <3

Feliz Navidad!

Hola, muchachos! Como esta?
(I don't speak Spanish...I'm just a faker)

How's it going, my friends?  Tell me about your lives!
Things are going pretty good for me.  Yesterday was the last day of classes for this semester, which makes me happier than you can imagine!  Unfortunately that means that exams are going to start in a few days, but it also means that in twelve days I will be home, with my family, for Christmas!

Christmas is a really big deal for me.  I mean, I know it's a really big deal for most people, but for me...I don't know, there's just something about it.  I guess it's because I'm really close to my extended family, and the family friends that I consider family, but I don't really get to see them very often.  I mean, for the last few years, I am rarely ever home, where I grew up, so when I do get to go home, like at Christmas, it's a really big deal.  Like, I know that for pretty much every day of the three weeks that I'm home, I'll probably be doing something with my family, whether it's just my mom, or my whole extended family.  I mean, going home is so much fun, and I love it, but relaxing? ...Not so much.  Pretty much every single day will be go, go, go, which is great!  But after exams, and a killer semester, all I really want to do is sleep a lot, relax, and get myself ready for the next semester.  But, other than the ability to go to bed as early as I want and not have anyone make fun of me, there will be little to no time for relaxing.

I just reread what I wrote...wow, that was all over the place!  Can you tell I'm multitasking?!  But so is the life of a university student five days before the beginning of finals.

In other news, I am still posting vlogs on my youtube channel.  They aren't happening as regularly as I would like, but I just put one up this week, and I think I'll film another tomorrow to post within the week.  Make sure you guys check out my channel, watch my videos, and subscribe, if you want to!

High: in only 285 hours, I will be on an airplane, on my way home!
Low: this afternoon, I made a rough study schedule for the next 12 days, and I got the dates of two of my exams wrong, and forgot to schedule in when I have to work, so therefore had to redo the schedule twice.  It was bad.
Thankful: 12 days, 12 days, 12 days!!!!!!!!


Books read this year: 45
Exams left until Christmas: 5
Days until Christmas: 21

love <3

An Author?!

So,  you guys know how I was trying to write a 50,000 word novel is thirty days?  Remember that time I went insane and thought I could write an entire novel in a month?
I WROTE A FREAKING NOVEL IN A MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!
Holy crap, I actually did it.  I actually wrote an entire freaking novel! (Well, I didn't write an "entire" novel because my story isn't actually finished.  Oddly enough, the story doesn't just come to a convenient end once 50,000 words are reached...who knew?!)  I think I am actually in shock.  I mean, I've known for a while that something really crazy would have to happen for me to not finish on time.  But I guess part of me didn't think it would ever actually happen.

I actually can't believe this.  I can now call myself an author.  I'm an author!!!  I am no longer someone who just writes for fun and would love to actually write something significant one day, but hasn't yet.  I have now written something significant!! (And by significant, I mean significant to me, not to society.  This novel is going to require a lot of editing before I let people read it...so don't even ask!)

In other news...I got a job as a lifeguard at the pool at my school (I think I mentioned that already) and Saturday was my first shift, but all I did was shadow some lessons.  Tonight, I actually taught four of my own lessons and it was pretty exciting!  Nerve-wracking, because I had to teach two lessons that I hadn't shadowed and I wasn't entirely sure what the kids were supposed to be learning, so it was a lot of improvising.  But whatever, it worked out well!

High: that I finished my novel!!! And that I now have the best thing to brag about ever!
Low: I was supposed to get groceries this afternoon, but I worked and wrote a novel, so I didn't.  But I still have an hour and twenty minutes until the grocery store closes...hmm.
Thankful: for NaNoWriMo: for giving me the chance, and the pressure, to finally write a novel!

Books read this year: 44

love <3

P.S. The bragging starts now:

life :)

Hello my very lovely readers :) How are you? Good? How is your week going? It's hump day, the week is more than half over. If you're American, it's Thanksgiving. That's a fun way to get some time off.

Sorry I've been kind of MIA this month.  Between school, NaNoWriMo, jobs, Deathly Hallows...well, you can imagine.  While I sincerely want to write a full post, I have neither the time nor the energy to write full sentences, so I am going to pull a hayleyghoover and do this all point form:

• I am now just over 35000 words through my novel. I am a little bit behind schedule (I'm supposed to be at 40000 by today) but I had to take almost a week off from writing to do school (in one week I had four midterms, five assignments and a lab...I may have gone slightly crazy). I will, however, reach 50000 words by next Tuesday night; I refuse to lose!
• Harry Potter and Deathly Hallows Part 1 came out last week.  I made a video about it here before I saw it, but then I went and saw it Saturday afternoon and I absolutely loved it. In my opinion, it was the best movie so far. I have very few complaints about it. I wish they had shown the part in the book, when they go see Xenophilius Lovegood, where they go into Luna's room and see all her paintings of them and that whole bit. I also kind of wish they had done the Portkey part of the Seven Potters, although that wasn't something that I really missed.  All in all, an amazing movie!
• A couple days ago I got a job as a lifeguard/swim instructor at the pool at my school, and I'm pretty freaking excited about it! I have a few hours in the next three weeks, but I'm hoping to pick up a lot more next semester!

I think that is pretty much all there is to tell you.  My life the last couple of weeks has been almost completely consumed by school and NaNoWriMo, but NaNoWriMo is done next Tuesday, and classes end next Friday, and three weeks tomorrow I write my last finals and fly home for Christmas. This means that the next three weeks will be crazy, but after that...pure relaxation :) I am slightly more than excited.

High: that Christmas Eve is a month today, and it is finally close enough to Christmas for music and decorations to be completely acceptable.
Low: I just tried to register for my courses for the winter semester and, of course, it did not go as planned. What else is new?!
Thankful: for very encouraging friends and family :)

Books read this year: 42

love <3

P.S. I still don't have a title for my novel, so if anyone has any ideas, you can leave them in the comments.  And if you don't know what I'm talking about, you can go here for my post about a title, and here for an excerpt from my novel. Thanks!

Title?!

Readers, I need your help!  I am slightly over half done my novel and it needs a title!  My novel is about a group of friends, and suddenly the main character, Paul, leaves, without telling anyone that he's going to leave or where he's going or why; the whole novel is written in the form of letters, that Paul is writing to his friends, and that they're writing to him, about the things that happen while he's gone.
So if anyone has any good ideas for a title for my novel, please let me know!  I need some of your creative energy, my lovely readers!  I believe in you!

High: realizing I only have three weeks left of classes!
Low: this coming week might be the worst week of my life: four midterms, four assignments, and a lab.
Thankful:  for my novel. :)

Books read this year: 40

love <3

EXCERPT!!! ...and Being Self-Conscious

Hello lovely readers!  How are your Saturday nights going? Mine's fairly decent.  Of course, now I am being very antisocial by blogging...oops!

So, I've now been writing my NaNoWriMo novel for six days, and as of right now, I'm up to 17 774 words.  I've been kind of less productive in the last couple of days.  It's actually harder than I thought, to keep the plot going for so long!  I didn't do any pre-planning before November first.  I mean, I knew what my novel was going to be about, but I didn't really think about the plot or details about the characters or anything.  I just kind of wanted to see what would happen.  And at first, it was going really well, but now I'm almost two-fifths through my novel, and it's kind of getting boring.  At least for me; it's kind of hard to think of what can keep happening to these characters to keep it interesting.

So I thought I would give you guys a little excerpt from my novel.  Like I said earlier, it's all in letters, but hopefully it won't be too confusing.  But first, I should just tell you guys that I basically never let other people read the stuff I write, because I'm super self-conscious about it.  So if you like it, definitely let me know.  And if you don't...keep your comments to yourself!*

Dear Charli,

If you’re reading this…I’m so sorry.  I didn’t want to leave.  This is not my choice, at all.  But this is just the way things have to be, for now.  I sincerely hope you’ll forgive me and that we can still be friends.  I’ll wait for your letter.  No matter how long it takes, I’ll never stop waiting.  Please don’t disappear from my life, even though I disappeared from yours.  I can’t imagine my life without you.

Paul

Dear Paul,

I can’t believe you’re gone.  I thought this was some kind of cruel joke.  How could you not tell me you were leaving?  Not even tell me it was a possibility?!  I was so, so angry at you.  You just left me in a lurch!  And you made me look like an idiot!  We’re best friends and you didn’t even tell me?!  I had to lie to everyone, saying that I knew you were leaving and hadn’t told them because you’d asked me not to!  Argh, I am so furious with you!!!
But I miss you.  I miss you so, so very much.  It’s so difficult not being able to talk to you every day.  Come back?  I know you can’t, but a girl can dream.  Love you.

Charli

Dear Charli,

I miss you.  My life just doesn’t make sense without you.  I so wish you could come visit me, but that’s just not an option.
I’ve met some really nice people.  No one compared to you, but people I can waste time with.  Of course, I never stop thinking about you, ever, so what’s even the point?!
Hope life isn’t too hard for you, and that things have settled down a bit since I left.  Tell them anything you need to not embarrass yourself.  You have my permission to make any lies you need.

Paul

Dear Paul

I can’t come visit you?  Why not?  I can’t do this Paul!!!  You just disappear to goodness knows where without telling a single person, I can’t call or email you and now I find out that visiting you isn’t even an option!  I wish you would tell me what the hell was going on!  God, you piss me off!
Stacey talked to me today.  She doesn’t know what’s going on either.  I mean, you obviously know that, because you didn’t tell her.  How could you not tell your best friend or your girlfriend that you were leaving?  You can’t just pick up and leave and not tell a single person.  Your actions have repercussions Paul!  You can’t just do what you want, when you want and think that nothing will change for anyone else.  You frustrate me!
Love you

Charli

Dear Charli

You think that I don’t know that my actions have repercussions?!  Are you kidding me, Charli?  All I can think about since I left is how much this is affecting you and Stacey and John..  I should have left months ago, but I kept putting it off, in an attempt to not hurt you guys.  Jeeze, Charli, do you really think I’m not that self-centered?
Life here kind of sucks.  I don’t really get along with anyone, which is so unlike me.  The people here just don’t get me, I hate it.

Paul

Dear Paul

I’m sorry.  Obviously you know your actions have repercussions.  I didn’t mean that.  I was just upset.
So what’s going on with people not liking you?  Everyone likes you.  This town is falling apart without you.  You were the glue that held everyone together.  There is no one in the whole world who doesn’t like you, that’s just ridiculous.
Miss you

Charli

High: spending the day with some really great friends and just having fun.
Low: I honestly don't think I have a low today. Sweet!
Thankful: for chocolate chip cookies! haha

Books read this year: 40

love <3

*I'm kidding...sort of.  If you have some legit, constructive criticism, I'm totally open to that.  But I don't really want to hear stuff like "this is so dumb, you're such a bad writer, just give up" because that is no fun.

12000 say whats now?!

I am currently sitting in my stats lab (which is more than 100% useless...I don't know why I even bother to show up!) and I had every intention of working on my novel for an hour and a half (because I don't pay attention) but for some reason, Word on this computer won't open my NaNoWriMo file from my USB.  I don't know why, but it sucks.  Although it's not like I don't need a break...

Those of you who know me in real life and follow on Facebook and/or Twitter probably already know that I'm kind of ahead of schedule on my novel.  To reach 50 000 words in 30 days at a normal pace, I should have about 5000 words by the end of the day.  At noon today, I had 12 001 words.

I'm not really sure how this happened.  I seriously had no intention of being such a keener and getting a fifth of my novel done in two days.  I'm so lazy, I really don't know how this happened!

That's a lie, I do.  My novel is written in the form of letters that people are writing back and forth to each other, so if I start getting writer's block, I just end that letter and have another character write a letter.  It's unfortunately easy and extremely addicting.  I'm kind of starting to love my characters as people, which is so stupid, because I made them up in my mind!  Obviously I'll love them, I created them!  I can do whatever I want with them!

This weirdly makes me feel like God.  I mean, I created these characters exactly the way I wanted them and I control everything they are going to do, and have already done.  Even if they "wanted" to do something differently (which obviously they can't because, unlike humans, they are not real and can't think for themselves) it would never succeed, because I already know how their future is going to go.

This might sound kind of ridiculous but just go with it: did you ever think that maybe God is like an author, who was just writing a novel, that somehow turned into real life?  And that's why we're all here?

Yea, that was stupid.  I'm sorry.  I've clearly written too much in the last three days to make any sense anymore.  I'll quit now while I'm still somewhat ahead.

High: when I hit 12000 words this morning.  A single number has never made me so happy!
Low: at least half a dozen times in the last 24 hours, I have tried to spell the word "neither" with a G.* I don't know why.
Thankful: that I have some really great people encourageing me through my novel.

Books read this year: 40

love <3

*I almost pressed the G button as I was writing neither.  I don't know what's wrong with me!

P.S.  If you guys would like to read an excerpt from my novel, I could post one in my next blog post, as I don't have access to my novel on this computer.  Let me know in the comments if you would want to read that!

NaNoWriMo

So midnight tonight is the start of NaNoWriMo, also known as the beginning of my hibernation.  For those of you who don't know what NaNoWriMo is, it is National Novel Writing Month, and basically the objective is to write 50 000 words in thirty days (I made a video about it here. Watch it and leave comments/video responses!).

I know I'm pretty crazy for attempting to do this.  But I love writing, and I've been told I'm pretty good at it, so I figure, why not?  It's something fun to do, and it's a good way to really set a goal and make myself write.  Even if I don't get to 50 000 words, I can still say I tried, and I can still say I wrote however many words I get to.  But, just so you guys know, I probably won't be blogging as much this next month, because I will be very busy writing a novel.  I'll try to post sometimes, because if nothing else, it'll be good when I have writer's block, or I just need a break from my novel.  If you guys could give me some encouragement throughout this month, as I do something really crazy, that would be great!  You're all awesome!

High: I got to go to a friend's house for a really yummy supper and some great socializing with friends.
Low: it is seriously cold here!  I mean, I know it's almost November, but still!  It was kind of warm this week, but today felt like the middle of winter!
Thankful: that I have the time to attempt to write a novel!

Books read this year: 39 (I am less than 50 pages away from finishing number 40.  NaNoWriMo will not be the reason I don't finish my book challenge!)

love <3

P.S.  As I mentioned above, I have started vlogging as well!  In this past week, I have posted two videos on youtube and I would really appreciate it if you guys checked them out, and left some comments or something.  My channel is www.youtube.com/seanababy16 Thanks darlings!

Your Turn!

At the end of my last post, I asked you guys to leave a comment, telling me that you read my blog.  It was mostly geared towards the people I actually know, although I would genuinely love to know if you stumbled upon this blog and continue to read it! (That sounded really awkward...hopefully you know what I mean!)

One thing I really don't want this blog to be about is just a day-to-day "and then I did this, and then I did this, and then this happened" type of thing, because that's kind of boring.  My life isn't that exciting.  I like having specific things to discuss in my blog, whether it's something in my life, something in the news, that kind of stuff.  But I like being able to discuss things.

But not that many things happen in my life that I could discuss, and some of the things that happen, I think other people would find extremely boring.  So now it's your turn.  In the comments, I want you guys to tell me things you would like me to discuss or comment on in the near future.  It could be anything, from my favourite TV shows, to how I feel about some issue in the news, to pretty much anything.  Be creative, and tell me what you want to see.  You guys are the ones reading this blog, not me, so I want to write about things that you want to read about!  Leave a comment, I will try to use as many ideas as I can, though it might take a while to get through them.*

High: I went to the dollar store tonight and got almost all the pieces for my Halloween costume.  It's going to be epic!
Low: I have a lot of school stuff this week (mid-terms, assignments, labs, quizzes) and it's kind of stressing me out.
Thankful: that we're getting a new fridge tomorrow, because ours currently isn't working!

Books read this year: 39 (I'm starting to get nervous I won't get to 50, especially with NaNoWriMo starting next week!)

love <3

*This sentence totally makes it sound like I think there's going to be hundreds of suggestions, which I highly doubt, as I think...six people read this blog.  I just meant that I'm busy, and don't have time to blog every day.

On Happiness...and Babbling

I'm really happy right now.  Like, really happy.  This might not be a really big deal for most people: there's lots of people all over the world who are really happy on a regular basis.  But I've never really been that unfortunate.  Okay, that made it sound like I've had a really hard life.  It hasn't actually been that bad.  From when I was eleven until I was about 18 was probably the hardest time; a lot of not so fun stuff happened then; I won't get into it now.  But if you really want to know, just ask!  I don't mind. :)

Anyway...the very boring story of teenage angst is so not the point of this post.  The point is...I'm happy.  I've previously mentioned that this past summer, while working at camp, was possibly the happiest time of my life, and this still remains true.  I can't talk about camp without a feeling of complete joy and love filling up my chest.  However, towards the end of the summer, I was quite concerned that that happiness would disappear when camp was over: when I had to return to the "real world", to school, to my real life, that I would not be as happy; that I would almost get kind of depressed, from missing camp, and almost from "real world shock".*  But, very fortunately, that is not what happened at all.  I mean, at first I was really upset about camp being over, but it didn't last very long, and although I miss everyone I worked with so much that it sometimes hurts, and even though I would go back in a heart beat, I'm not in withdrawl and I'm totally not depressed about camp.

I kind of just went off on a little bit of a tangent...The point is, camp ended almost two months ago, and I'm still really happy.  This makes me think that, although camp was the initial source of my happiness, it's not the reason for my happiness.  If it was all camp, and only camp, that happiness would now be long gone.  But it's not.  I'm still really happy, two months later, and I really don't think there's anything else that could have caused this: it's all left over from camp.

I feel like I just babbled a lot about nothing.  I'm sorry.  If you actually read all of that, I'm kind of impressed.  I guess there's people out there who really care about what I have to say.  Huh.  Who'da thunk it.

High: earlier this afternoon, I decided to make cookies, but after I'd mixed up all the ingredients, I decided that I didn't really have the patience to bake it.  So I saved it as cookie dough, to eat...as cookie dough. :)
Low: I went to the bank to inquire about getting a credit card, and I found out I need to have a job to get a credit card.  Ew.  Also, I love cooking with onions, but I hate cutting them.  This is a huge problem.
Thankful: that it's the weekend.  I have some serious studying to do for next week.

Books read this year: 39

love <3

P.S.  If  you read this, and you're someone I actually know in real life, leave a comment!  Even if it just says that you read it, and that's all, that's so fine by me!  I love finding out when people I know actually take the time to read what I have to say.  I makes me feel like I'm not just talking to myself on the Internet.  So let me know if you're reading this!  (Of course, even if you don't know me in real life, and you just found my blog and decided to read it, you can still comment, telling me you read it.  I'm actually so curious how many readers I have!)

*Camp is like a bubble.  For pretty much the entire summer, I had no idea what was going on pretty much anywhere in the world.  It was just camp, with all the same counsellors, for three months.  The campers changed every 12 days, but other than that, it really was like being in a completely oblivious bubble for three months.

Christmas and cookie dough :)

I have a chemistry test the day after tomorrow.  I'm supposed to be studying for it right now.  I don't really want to study, so instead I'm going to write a blog!  Yay!

When I started writing this blog back in April, I kind of made a pact with myself.  I know that sounds kind of lame, but there were certain things I wanted for this blog (and I certain things I definitely didn't want) and I wanted to try and keep myself on track with those things.  One of the things in my pact was that I would not whine about school.  I know I kind of did that way back near the beginning, but that was because it was right in the middle of final exams, and also because I was doing BEDA and some days, there really was nothing else to say.  But now that I have no need to blog every day, I can blog when I want, I don't really want to use that time and those words to whine about school.  I do that enough in the real world, and really, no one wants to listen to some girl complain about school when there are so many bigger problems in the world (not that me not whining about school is going to solve world hunger or anything, but you get my drift).  So I guess where I'm going with this is I want to apologize for yesterday.  I'm trying to deal with some things in my personal life right now, and a lot of them center around me trying to understand the point of school.  I guess I just have some friends who see school as the most important thing in the world and they put everything else above it.  That's just not what I believe and not how I want to live my life.  It was just really getting on my nerves and it all kind of exploded last night.  So for that, I am sorry.

Now that I'm done rambling on about school...on to new things!  So Christmas is my favourite time of the entire year.  No, I lied.  My actual favourite time of the year is from November 12 to January 16, because all the good things happen during those two months: my mom's birthday is November 12, and then it starts getting closer to Christmas, and then it's time to decorate, and listen to/sing Christmas music, then it usually snows, then exams are over, then I get to go home, celebrate Christmakkuh with some family, then it's Christmas, which I love more than words can describe, then it's the week between Christmas and New Year's, when I get to see most of my extended family and play in the snow, a lot.  Then it's New Year's, and then January 16 is my birthday.  See?  All the good things happen during those two months.  Anyway, I know Christmas is over two months away (68 days, actually.  I just counted) but for some reason, I've been feeling really excited and Christmasy lately.  Which is really out of character for me, because I really hate when things start getting all set for Christmas too early.  Like, one of my biggest pet peeves is when people have their Christmas lights on the day after Halloween and you can see their Christmas tree in their window.  Just because it's November doesn't mean it's suddenly, automatically Christmas and that it's acceptable to have that many lights and decorations up.  My reaction to people getting ready for Christmas so early is kind of surprising, especially to me, because I love Christmas so much and you would think I'd be all ready to start getting into the spirit as early as I can.  I think the reason I hate it coming too early is because I love it so much and I don't want to ruin it by getting sick of it before it even really happens.  Does that make any sense?  I just love Christmas way more than is probably appropriate, but I don't see that there's a problem with that.  Do you?

So lately I've kind of been think about some of my favourite childhood memories, like spending every summer and every weekend during the winter at my cottage; playing the most random make-believe games by myself because I have no siblings; wishing I was the third Olsen twin, stuff like that.  So I wanted to ask you guys: what are some of your favourite childhood memories?  Let me know in the comments!

High: I went grocery shopping today and (almost) bought premade cookie dough.  Not to bake, but to just eat, as cookie dough.
Low: as much as I wanted the cookie dough, I couldn't afford to buy it when I didn't really need it.
Thankful: that I have all the ingredients in my house to make cookie dough, should I so desire.
(I have no idea where are this talk of cookie dough came from, but now I really want to go make some.)

Books read this year: 39 (I'm so close!  I hope I can do it!)

love <3

friends are forever

Sleepovers: nails, makeup, hair, pictures, movies, popcorn.  Sleepovers were my childhood.  I loved going over to someone's house with a couple other friends and just hanging out for the night.  Sleepovers were the highlight of my week, sometimes of my entire month.  Last night, I had the first girl-y sleepover since I don't even know when.

One of my really good friends, Sam, come over last night, just after 6.  We made supper, talked, hung out, had a few drinks, laughed about things that were not really very funny this morning, took silly pictures and just had a genuinely good time.  We ended the night by watching High School Musical 3 (I love HSM. Don't judge) for the sole reason that she had never seen it.  Then we curled up in bed and talked for a while, before finally falling asleep much earlier than we probably would have otherwise.  This morning, we made breakfast (I had Toaster Strudels for the first time.  It was epic), hung out, watched silly youtube videos (I cannot get this song out of my head! And this one's pretty catchy as well.) and just had some fun girl time.  It might have been one of my best Saturday nights recently.

I think the reason I had so much fun was that I haven't really been spending that much time with my good friends since I've been back.  I mean, I either only see them every two or three weeks, or, if I see them even once or twice a week, there's always lots of other people around and I don't really get to spend any real time with them.  I have some really amazing people in my life that I consider good friends and I hate that I don't really ever get to see them, because they are so important to me.  And I know I'm here for school, not for socializing, but I can't spend my entire five years of university not socializing at all!  I mean, I know school's important, but it's not that important.  Really, I just want to get my degree, graduate, and be done.  I don't plan on applying to do my masters or anything like that.  I might do a year or two of college, so that I can learn something that will actually get me a job, but other than that, once I'm done this degree, I'm done school for good.  So, although marks are important, they aren't that important.  I care, but I don't let school completely rule my life.

I just went off on a huge tangent, and I apologize.  I know for some people, school and marks are really important, and not being at the top of their class isn't acceptable.  But that's just not me.  I'll do my best, and if my best only gets me a C or a B, well so be it.  I don't even know what my GPA is and I don't care.  Why does it matter?  I'm actually serious: why does it matter what my GPA is?

That was not what this post was supposed to be about.  It was supposed to be about how much I love my friends and how sad I am that I don't get to spend enough time with them, because they are all so amazing.  So, from now on, friends come before school...to a certain extent.  I'm not going to stop going to class and doing work, but if a friend needs me, or something comes up, or one of my friends that I've barely seen is around, I will make time.  School will be over, but friends should be around forever.  My friends are what matters to me, and I will do everything I can to make time for them in my life.

High: watching HSM3 with Sam. Love the movie, love the girl.
Low: I messed up my ankle Friday night and it's still swollen and kind of sore.  But I can at least walk on it today, which is more than I could do yesterday.
Thankful: that I have such amazing friends in my life, who will always be there.

Books read this year: 39

love <3

six month anniversary!

Today is the six-month anniversary of my blog!  How exciting is that?!  I can't believe how quickly the last six months have gone by!  I realize I say that about pretty much everything, but it's true!  So for today's post, which I want to kind of be special and a big deal, I am going to list my favourite parts of the last six months!  People who have been reading this for the last six months can probably already guess what a lot of these are going to be, but maybe not!  I'm going to try to keep these in order of when they happened, but I have a bad memory, plus I'm kind of ADD, so they'll probably all be pretty random.  Here goes:

• finishing my second year of university!
• Hedley concert just hours after finishing my last exam!
• BEDA...even though I kind of failed at the end
• home for a month!
• driving 1600km in two days with someone who I normally have pretty much nothing to say to.
• CAMP!  I don't even know how to describe this summer, there are way too many memorable and amazing things that happened this summer,  it would take forever for me to try and describe just how awesomely perfect this summer was.  Here is the best way for me to do it: Shine, Tiffany, I'yonna, Savannah, Kourtnie, Calli; Whisper, Kisha, Sam, Taylor, Adrianna, BJ, Emily, Anna, Marisha; Oups, Sarah, Elodie, Erika, Noamie, Jennifer, Armine, Marcella; Gooby, Cassielle, Carol-Ann, Kelsey, Allison, Elona, Saada, Yvette, Gabrielle; Sage, Alyssa, Megan W, Megan M, Brianna, Minjo, Jasmin, Blair, Hadeya; Buzz, Alicia, Katie, Erin, LaKeisha, Brianna, Valynn, Amber, Nykeala; Feather, Drew, Hailey, Chloe, Alexis, Jenna, Jazmen, Tori, Jessica, and Josee.  These are my campers from this summer, plus the counsellor that I worked with for that session.  Every single one of these girls is simply amazing and they have each had an impact on my life, whether big or small.  They all hold a place in my heart and I will always love them, forever.
• Halifax for Canada Day with Buzz, Shiver, Kowabunga, Shine, Oups, Captain, and Tic Tac.
• getting to see my mama in Halifax for a weekend in August.
• meeting and spending three months with some really amazing people who I hope I will be friends with for a very long time.
• being in denial about leaving camp-wasn't so fun for me, but it certainly gave the other counsellors something to laugh about.
• going to my aunt and uncle's cottage for a night, and discovering that fall had hit Ontario very early!
• going to my annual Blue Jays game on Labour Day weekend with my mama, and the Jays winning (of course!)
• coming back to Newfoundland for my third (of many) years at MUN.
• moving out, completely on my own, for the first time and being rather scared.
• MUNCF fall retreat 2010...oh the awkwardness...lol

I think that's pretty much it.  I could have gone on and on about camp, but other than that, I don't think I'm really forgetting anything.  It's been a great six months, full of lots of emotions, lots and lots of laughter, and just a general good time.  I have very thoroughly enjoyed spending and sharing this time with you, and I hope you'll stick around for at least another six months, because I know I'll still be here!

High: getting a free lunch at church today.  It was for young adults and it was yummy!
Low: we don't have cable at our house, so I can't watch either Desperate Housewives or The Amazing Race tonight, I have to wait until it comes online.  What a hard life I lead. lol
Thankful: for the very unseasonal, yet amazing weather we've had for the last couple days.  It's like summer, again...in October...

Books read this year: 38

love <3

single ladies club

So I had just a really, really amazing weekend.  I went away for the weekend, on a retreat, with the Christian Fellowship at my school.  I really couldn't afford to go, both money-wise and time-wise.  But my mom lent me some money to go, and school...still sucks, and this week will still kill me, but I don't think it'll be that bad anymore.

I love going on the retreats.  I always feel like I get so much closer to God when I'm out there, and I'm not sure why.  It might be because I spend two and a half days with a bunch of other Christians and it's hard to not get closer when you're with that many people who have the same beliefs.  It might be because, getting out of the city and away from all the distractions just clears my mind and lets me focus on the things that are actually important in my life in the long run, not the short term stuff, like school and Facebook drama, and going downtown and just stupid stuff.  As I have been raised Christian my entire life, it's a huge part of who I am and I want to be an equally huge part of who I will be for the rest of my life.  I've struggled a lot with God and how I really feel about all of it, mostly in the last 7-10 years.  I've gone through a lot of hard stuff, and there was always this voice in my mind, telling me that the God of the Bible would not let me suffer the way I was.  I realize now that that is completely false, and all the stuff I went through has made me exactly who I am today.

At the retreat, the focus of the weekend was the book Song of Solomon.  For those of you who don't know, this very short book is about Solomon, the king, finding a woman he wants to marry.  It details their "dating", the wedding day (and night) and their marriage.  It was a good book to study, although most of the people on the retreat were not in relationships, which made discussions very short.  But it made me realize something: I'm happy being single.  I've been single for a while, and for some reason it always felt like I was missing out.  I would talk to my friends who were in relationshops and they were always so happy and things were always going so well and part of me was always jealous, at least a little bit.  I would always wonder why I couldn't have that same happiness with someone.  Was there something wrong with me?  Was I destined to be single forever?  These kinds of thoughts actually took up way too much space in my mind.  But I realized this weekend that, you know what, I am single right now.  But I'm happy!  Since this summer, I've been the happiest I think I've ever been.  I miss camp with ever fibre of my being, but instead of going into intense withdrawl and getting depressed, I've taken the happiness from the summer and brought it into my real life.  I am so genuinely happy now, and I love it.  Friends from school, who didn't see me all summer, have commented that I seem like a completely different person than I was back in the spring.  And I know that the only real change is that now I'm happy!

High: the whole weekend: mostly bonding with the other people and forming deeper friendships that will last.
Low: I actually don't think I have a low...maybe doing laundry today: it has taken approximately seven hours. Yikes!
Thankful: for the chance to spend the weekend away and grow as a person.

Books read this year: 37

love <3

61!

So, I don't know if anyone was paying attention, but if you were, you might have noticed that I just posted three blogs within an hour.  I wish I could say it was because I'm just the most amazing blogger ever, and I can just sit at my desk and these amazing thoughts just flow from the tips of my fingers and onto the keyboard.  Yea, I wish.  Actually, what happened was that we didn't have Internet at our house until today, so even though I've been able to use the computers at school to go on the Internet and check my email and stuff, I didn't really want to use up the little time I had to blog.  Plus, when I feel like I have to blog, without any ideas about what I want to write about, things usually end poorly.  So I was typing up my blogs in Word on my laptop when I was at home, and then copy and pasted all of them today and posted them.  So that is why my archive will say I posted four times today.

So tomorrow is Friday.  Tomorrow is actually my dad's birthday!  I have to make sure not to forget about that.  He's turning 61.  61!!!  Can you believe that?!  Well, you actually probably can, as I'm fairly certain that no one who reads this blog has ever actually met my father.  He was 40 when I was born, and as I'm turning 21 (in 4 months exactly! wow!), it makes sense that he's 61.  Yea, my parents were both pretty old when they had me.  They had both been married to other people before they married each other, so I guess that explains it.

I have no idea why I was just talking about my parents' love lives.  Anyway...

High: that we got Internet!!!!!  And that it was actually sunny, and warm, for the whole day today!
Low: I don't think I have a low today...
Thankful: for the Internet. (that was super lame, I'm sorry.  I'll think of something really amazing for next time)

Books read this year: 37

love <3

internet!

[Note: This was written on Wednesday, September 15]

Today is our last day without Internet! This time tomorrow we will have Internet in our house!! I can’t wait to not have to go to the library just to check my email and stuff. I mean, I know it’s not the end of the world, not having Internet at home. But it really is such a huge convenience to be able to go on the Internet whenever I want.

So other than the ridiculously exciting news that we’re finally going to get Internet, not much else is new. I’ve now been living in this house for over a week, and I’m having a pretty good time. Even though I was really unsure about living in res again or moving off campus, I’m really happy with my decision. When I went to visit res on the weekend, I realized that I could not see myself living there again, for a third year. I mean, I had two really great years there, but it was time to move out. Plus, I’m really happy with my house and the girls I live with. Right choice: Seana.

High: I saw actual blue sky today. Blue sky! And it was there for…five minutes!
Low: that for, like, the seventh day in a row, it rained today.
Thankful: that, not only am I starting assignments weeks before they're due, I actually know how to do them!

Books read this year: 37

love <3

New Year's Resolution--Update!

[Note: This was written on Sunday, September 12]

As some of you may know, one of my New Year’s resolutions this year was to read 50 books before the end of the year. I am currently in the middle of number 37, but I thought you guys might like to know what books I’ve read so far.

16. The Second Summer of the Sisterhood
17. Girls in Pants
18. Forever in Blue
19. Crow Lake
20. Teen Idol
21. Looking for Alaska
22. Sloppy Firsts
23. Second Helpings
24. Charmed Thirds
25. Fourth Comings
26. Being Nikki
27. Runaway
28. Angels Watching Over Me
29. Lifted Up by Angels
30. Until Angels Close My Eyes
31. All-American Girl
32. Gossip Girl
33. You Know You Love Me*
34. All I Want is Everything*
35. Because I’m Worth It*
36. I Like It Like That*
37. It Had To Be You*

So those are the books that I’ve read so far this year. I still have 13 books left to read, which I don’t think will be a problem at all. I still want to reread all four Twilight books, which I haven’t read in two years. I also want to read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson. One of my good friends this summer was reading it and she told me I should read it. It also has a sequel, I’m not sure what it’s called, but I want to read it as well.

High: I got to talk to my mom today for the first time since I left. We had a lovely hour-long conversation.
Low: that I didn’t even leave the house because, guess what, it’s still raining. I hope it stops tomorrow!
Thankful: that the five of us who live here get along so well together.

Books read this year: 37

love <3

*These are all books in the Gossip Girl series.

soulmates

[Note: This was written on Saturday, September 11.]

The first week of school is done. How did that happen?! It feels like just yesterday that classes had ended for the year, last year, and the summer was getting started. Now, it’s September and school has started again and somehow I’m in my third year. I really don’t know how that happened! Well, now I’m just being sentimental. I don’t like when things happen too quickly.


So, this is completely out of nowhere, but I’m listening to music right now and the song You Belong with Me by Taylor Swift just came on, and it got me thinking: do you think that, somewhere in the world, there’s someone who “belongs” with you? Like, someone you’re destined to be with forever? I guess I’m asking if you believe in soul mates or not. I do. I fully believe that, somewhere in the world, there is a man that I am destined to spend the rest of my life with, and I believe that every single person in the world is destined to be with someone. But I also believe that sometimes, people don’t find the person their destined to be with. I believe that sometimes, for whatever reason, you don’t find your soul mate. I’m actually really scared that’ll happen to me. I don’t know why, I have no reason to believe that I won’t find him. I guess, after seeing my parents split up, even though it went well for both of them and they still get along surprisingly well, I just really don’t want to get divorced. But if I find my soul mate, we obviously won’t get divorced. But I guess no one ever wants to get divorced. Anyway, let me know, in the comments, if you believe in soul mates or not.

I don’t really have that much else to write about. The first week of classes was OK, nothing too exciting. I finally finished unpacking all the stuff I have and am now almost done decorating my new room. It looks pretty good so far, if I do say so myself. My roommates are really nice too. There are five of us living in the house, so four other girls. I didn’t rent the house with any of them, I just got my room. But I already knew three of the other girls and I’m getting to know the fourth. I feel weirdly awkward around them and I’m not sure why. I feel like I have nothing to say to any of them, which is really weird. I mean, I love to talk, I do it all the time. And yet…I don’t know, maybe I’m just really bad at small talk. I’m not very good at thinking of things to talk about. I don’t know. I really like the other girls; I’m just the weird, awkward one. Sounds right.

High: this hasn’t happened yet, but tonight I’m going to the movies with a couple friends and one of them I haven’t seen since the spring, so getting to see her!
Low: that it is still raining. Still! And, of course, genius over here left her raincoat at home. Big surprise.
Thankful: that I know my way around the kitchen and have been able to make actually good food. I seriously hope this lasts!

Books read this year: 36

love <3

first day!

I so do not have a lot of time to be posting this, so I apologize in advance!  I just moved into my new house yesterday, but we don't have Internet yet, so even though I wanted to write something yesterday (instead of unpacking!) I could not.  I was very sad.

I have a question: how do I have so much stuff?  It's a rhetorical question, but really.  I'm just starting my third year at MUN, but you would think I'd been living here for at least ten years, with all the stuff I have!  I tried to unpack yesterday, I really did.  It did not go well.  Kay, but I need to pick up some shelves this weekend.  So there's no point unpacking the stuff that's going to go on the shelves, just to move it again.  Probably could have unpacked my clothes, though...Oops... :)

High: moving into my new house, and seeing some of my Newfie friends again!
Low: school.
Thankful: that I made it to Newfoundland safely, and that I have a place to live!

Books read this year: 36

love <3

the best summer of my life

The last few days have been really tough.  As I mentioned in my last post, we have very few days left at camp.  The kids leave the day after tomorrow, and I fly home in four days.  I've been here for over three months and that completely baffles me.  Pretty much every day, all I've been able to think about is how everything is ending and this is the last time we'll do this and this is the last time we'll do that.  So pretty much everything is making me cry, just because I'm so upset about leaving.  On top of that, I've got all this stuff going on in my personal life, that I was talking about a couple posts ago.  My life is just a huge mess right now.

It's later now and I just reread the last sentence of that paragraph.  Holy drama queen.  My life is not a huge mess, by any means.  I am, for the first time in a long time, completely, genuinely happy.  I have met amazing people this summer who I will remember for the rest of my life, without a doubt.  Yes, I am extremely sad that I have to leave this place, but my life in the real world is not that bad, it's just really different.  The way I act at camp is very loud and outgoing and I never really stop, which is perfect, and the people at camp like me, for the most part.  But in the real world, when I try to act like that, people don't like me.  They don't understand me, and I never really fit in.  So I tone myself down and try to make myself more normal, and people like me.  Except it isn't me.  It's not me at all.  It's a pale imitation, a version of me.  And, I mean, I do have some friends in the real world who know the real me and love me that way.  But a lot of people see it as immature and attention seeking and just don't like me.  And I really hate that.  I really, really do.

So does it make more sense now, why I so desperately don't want to go home?  I feel like I'm going to go into withdrawal for the first couple of weeks and after that, I have the potential to get really depressed.  I so don't want that to happen, but camp, especially this camp with these people, has made me the happiest I have ever been in my whole life.  I don't want to go back to being unhappy, even though I'm quite sure that that's what's going to happen.  And I don't even have the option to see most of the people I worked with, because we're all from so far around the country.  There's one other counsellor who lives in Newfoundland and that's it.  This is going to suck, big time.

High: getting to go on the pontoon swim three times today.
Low: that today was the last real day of camp this summer.
Thankful: for getting to spend the best three months of my life with some truly amazing people.

Books read this year: 35

love <3

don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened

Gah, why do people have to leave?!  In exactly one week I will have been home for, like, twelve hours.  I can't process this.  I have decided that I will be here for another 4000 million zillion days.  I don't know how many years that is, but I think I can safely assume that it's pretty much the rest of my life.

I'm not really sure why I don't want to leave.  I mean, I get to be home for a week and see lots of friends and family, which will be great.  And then I get to go back to Newfoundland, where I get to see lots of my friends again, for the first time in four months.  I miss them all dearly, and I'm really excited to see them.  I'm just not very excited about starting school again.  I mean, I love learning, and...well, I really want to be done school.  But my life at camp is just so much better than my life in the real world, for the most part.  I don't really know how to explain it, I just know that I don't want to leave.  For the next eight months, all I'm going to be doing is waiting and wishing for camp again.  This is where I belong.


High: getting to go to the most gorgeous beach on a really amazing day for the last time this summer.
Low: realizing how little time we have left at camp, and that everything really is ending.
Thankful: that I got to have this experience and this amazing summer and that I got to share it with really amazing people who I will hopefully be friends with for a very long time.

Books read this year: 34

love <3

highs and lows of long distance?

I have a question: what goes through boys' minds?  I'm dead serious.  How do they think?  Why do they think the way they do?  How do they make such huge decisions they way they do?  I'm sure they could ask the same thing about girls, but I know how I think so I don't really care how other girls think.

Today was supposed to be such a good day.  Sleeping in, swimming, tanning, going for a run, relaxing, reading magazines, hanging out with the other counsellors, that sort of thing.  And that's exactly what the morning was.  And then three of my best friends left for escort, to pick kids up tomorrow and bring them to camp.  And then I checked my email and I had a message from one of my best guy friends, saying he needed to talk to me, so call him as soon as I can.

Him and I were best friends in high school, and it was never romantic.  He dated two of my close girl friends and my ex-boyfriend was a good friend of his.  I never thought of him that way at all.  Then after high school, when I moved halfway across the country, we kind of lost touch.  It happened with almost all my friends from high school.  I was only home at Christmas, so how was I supposed to really stay close with them?! During my first semester of university, him and I tried so hard to stay in touch, but it didn't work out at all.  We all had our new friends and we couldn't visit each other...you get the idea.  Anyway, this past Christmas break, him and I ran into each other at the grocery store.  We ended up going out for coffee and it was so great to talk to him again.  After I went back out east for winter semester, we kept talking.  And we talked, and talked, and talked.  By mid-March, I was seriously falling for him.  It was bad.  Then he told me that he was falling for me too, but didn't want to have a long distance relationship, which I can sort of understand.  Long distance isn't ideal, but sometimes it happens.  But I was going to be home a month later for the whole summer!  We could start there and then see what happens at the end of the summer!  Sounded like a good plan...until I found out a week later that I was going to be working in Nova Scotia, which is nowhere near home, for three months.  Close, but no cigar.  Well, for him, anyway.  I still wanted something to happen, especially because I was going to be home for a month before I left for camp.  We hung out almost every day I was home, but we still weren't in a relationship because he was absolutely set against long distance.  And being in a long distance relationship while at camp is really difficult, but it can work.  The entire time I was here, most days I was getting texts from him, saying how much he missed me and stuff like that.  WTF?!  Then one day, about a month ago, he called me and told me that he missed me so much and that he thought he was falling in love with me.  Are you serious?  You can't tell me that you don't want to be with me because you don't want to do long distance and then spend the entire time we're apart saying how much you miss me and then telling me you're falling in love with me.  That's not fair to either of us.  After he told me that, I told him that he needed to figure out whether he wanted a relationship or not and to stop talking to me until he figured it out because it really wasn't fair to me.

Today he called me to talk.  He told me that, even though he really likes me and thinks he's falling in love with me, he can't have a long distance relationship.  He said this was one of the hardest decisions he's ever made and he doesn't want to hurt me, but he doesn't feel mature enough to be in a long distance relationship.  I don't know how I feel about this.  Obviously I'm hurt, especially because this is the first guy I've had real feelings for since me and my ex-boyfriend broke up two and a half years ago.  Plus, I really liked him.  We got along so well and would have been perfect for each other.  I'm having a very difficult time accepting that we're never going to happen.  I'm in denial.  Story of my life.

High: watching movies with friends, but not really watching them and just talking lots and lots.
Low: if you don't know what my low is, you clearly didn't read my blog very carefully!
Thankful: that I have some really amazing people who I know will comfort me no matter what!

Books read this year: 34

love <3

chocolate milk!

A few minutes ago, I had my first glass of chocolate milk since I was home May.  It was so beyond excellent.  I usually drink several glasses of chocolate milk every day, and I've gone over two and a half months without any!  I'm not sure how I survived! lol

Today was a great day!  I'm on break, so I got to sleep in, but I ended up waking up at 9 this morning to say goodbye to one of the counsellors who left early.  I am so in denial about camp ending.  Two counsellors have left in the past two days, and I refuse to believe that camp is really almost over.  In thirteen days I'll be home, but I refuse to accept that.  It's actually pathetic!

After Shiver left, I hung out for a bit, did some computer stuff, watched some TV, just hung out.  Then a few of us went swimming, but the tide was really low, so it was super shallow!  It was pretty fun though.  Then we had a really delicious lunch (tuna sandwiches!) and did some more hanging out.  Then a few of us went outside and played a game called BananaGrams, which is kind of like Scrabble but different.  It's fun but I'm not very good at it.  But it was still really fun.  We just hung out outside, talking and having fun.  After that, a bunch of people left for a town about 45 minutes away to go see a movie and the rest of us biked to the nearest town to get some food for supper, because camp food epically sucks.  It took about 15 or 20 minutes to bike there.  It was so much fun!  There were five of us that went.  When we got back we all went for a swim because we were all so sweaty and gross.  The tide was really high this time, so we got a jump off the dock and stuff.  Then we went and showered and then ate some of the food we had bought.  It tasted so good after such an extensive night with no food.  Now I'm watching Degrassi and doing this.  After this I'm going to read and then go to bed.  I'm super lame, I know!

High: spending the whole day relaxing and having fun with people I love.
Low: mosquitos!  And realizing that, in 13 very short days, I'll be home and won't see some of these people ever again.
Thankful: that I have the time off to relax!

Books read this year: 34

love <3

P.S.  Since my last blog, I have been using livestrong.com religiously to track what I eat and how much exercise I do.  I feel amazing!  I have sooo much more energy, it's crazy!  I'm very happy!  I just hope all of this lasts past camp!

tough stuff

I need to talk about something.  This won't be easy for me to talk about, and it probably won't have much consistency between paragraphs, or even between sentences, because I will just be saying things as they come into my head, not trying to make sense.  Already I'm not making sense.  But go with it!

Pretty much my whole life, I've always been the "chubby" girl.  Both my parents have, or had, weight issues and it's something I come by naturally.  I also have a ridiculous sweet tooth and it's nearly impossible for me to say no to chocolate or candy, which really doesn't help at all.  As I got older and older, the weight kept adding up.  I'm very muscular, so even if I was a healthy weight I'd still weigh more than someone my height is necessarily supposed to.  But either way, the truth was, in high school, I was fat.  And then I started university.

I've been a vegetarian since I was 13, and in high school, living with my mom, who is also a vegetarian, and a health freak, the food she was giving me was always healthy; I never had to worry.  But once I got to university, and had to eat at the campus dining hall, and got to pick my own foods, things got a little out of hand.  First of all, it was not vegetarian friendly at all.  Sure, it was easy to just not eat the meat, but there was nothing to replace it with.  Occasionally there was tofu, but it was usually pretty sketchy, and there was rarely any other kind of replacement.  Plus, it was set up like an all-you-can-eat buffet, so I could literally just keep eating.  This created a huge problem.  In my first year, I gained a good 20 pounds to my already overweight body.  Then I went home for the summer, ate my mom's food, did a lot of exercise and was as conscious as I could be about what I was eating.  This helped, but not enough.  Then September rolled around and I was back living in residence and back to eating at the dining hall.  I was significantly more conscious of not only what I was eating but how much I was eating, but still.  The food hadn't gotten any better, so there was only so much I could do.  I would have to say I gained nearly 20 more pounds in my second year.  It was beyond ridiculous.

It was around this time that I realized I seriously needed to make a change: this couldn't keep happening.  I went home for a month and was very strict with my self about what I was eating (only my mom's food, as much as possible) and how much exercise I was getting (as much as possible).  It helped a little bit, but there's only so much that can be done in a month.  Then I left for camp, where I've been since the end of May.  In the last month or so, I've completely decided that this needs to end now.  So I've been watching how much I eat, what I'm eating, learning to recognize when my body is telling me I'm full and then stopping!  I've also been doing more exercise, although at camp, pretty much all we do all day is walk, so I'm definitely not at a shortage of exercise.

Last week I saw my mom for the first time since I left at the end of May, and she told me that she thinks I've lost weight, and my mom is my toughest critic.  I don't actually know if I've lost weight, because I don't weigh myself.  But I do know that I have more energy, and my clothes feel looser.  Almost none of my shorts/pants even fit me anymore, they're all too big!  I think this is a good sign.  I've also started doing a workout routine from a magazine, and some of the other counsellors and I have decided to do yoga together every morning while our campers are waking up and getting ready.  And thanks to the success story of one of my favourtie bloggers, I have signed up for livestrong.com and will be using it to track my progress.  And my friend is giving me her P90X videos, and I'm going to start doing them when school starts in September.  Plus I'm living in a house off campus this year and will be making all my own meals, so I can eat what I want to eat and be healthy.  I feel like this is a beginning of something amazing.

Maybe telling you all this before it's even really started is like jinxing it, I don't know.  But I do know that I'm the type of person where the more people who know about my goals and what I'm trying to achieve, the more likely I am to stick with it, because if I don't, everyone will know that I failed.  So please, in the comments, for the next few months, every once in a while, ask me how I'm doing and keep me in check.  I will let you know when I've reached my goal, and maybe even give some before and after pictures.

High: witnessing the campers write the thank-you letters to the Tim Hortons store owners who sponsored them to be here: I had no idea kids could have so much genuine emotion and happiness in them.
Low: that camp food is really starting to suck, and that I actually ate three pieces of food for breakfast.  I need real food!
Thankful: that I have amazing people in my life who I know will support me in everything I do.

Books read so far this year: 34

love <3