The last few days have been really tough. As I mentioned in my last post, we have very few days left at camp. The kids leave the day after tomorrow, and I fly home in four days. I've been here for over three months and that completely baffles me. Pretty much every day, all I've been able to think about is how everything is ending and this is the last time we'll do this and this is the last time we'll do that. So pretty much everything is making me cry, just because I'm so upset about leaving. On top of that, I've got all this stuff going on in my personal life, that I was talking about a couple posts ago. My life is just a huge mess right now.
It's later now and I just reread the last sentence of that paragraph. Holy drama queen. My life is not a huge mess, by any means. I am, for the first time in a long time, completely, genuinely happy. I have met amazing people this summer who I will remember for the rest of my life, without a doubt. Yes, I am extremely sad that I have to leave this place, but my life in the real world is not that bad, it's just really different. The way I act at camp is very loud and outgoing and I never really stop, which is perfect, and the people at camp like me, for the most part. But in the real world, when I try to act like that, people don't like me. They don't understand me, and I never really fit in. So I tone myself down and try to make myself more normal, and people like me. Except it isn't me. It's not me at all. It's a pale imitation, a version of me. And, I mean, I do have some friends in the real world who know the real me and love me that way. But a lot of people see it as immature and attention seeking and just don't like me. And I really hate that. I really, really do.
So does it make more sense now, why I so desperately don't want to go home? I feel like I'm going to go into withdrawal for the first couple of weeks and after that, I have the potential to get really depressed. I so don't want that to happen, but camp, especially this camp with these people, has made me the happiest I have ever been in my whole life. I don't want to go back to being unhappy, even though I'm quite sure that that's what's going to happen. And I don't even have the option to see most of the people I worked with, because we're all from so far around the country. There's one other counsellor who lives in Newfoundland and that's it. This is going to suck, big time.
High: getting to go on the pontoon swim three times today.
Low: that today was the last real day of camp this summer.
Thankful: for getting to spend the best three months of my life with some truly amazing people.
Books read this year: 35
love <3
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