Something that a lot of people don't really know about me is that I kind of have social anxiety. I really don't like being around large groups of people I don't know, and the idea of making new friends kind of terrifies me. The reason not a lot of people know this about me is because I have gotten really good at coping with my social anxiety. I like to make jokes and try to make people laugh, because that makes it feel like they like me. I also like to be loud and really energetic and enthusiastic, because that can sometimes make me forget how uncomfortable I am.
So, with this in mind, you can probably imagine five years ago when I moved to Newfoundland by myself and didn't know anyone, how terrifying it was to think about making all kinds of new friends. I was still really unsure of who I was, so trying to meet all kinds of new people and make new friends was beyond nerve-wracking. However, I was lucky that within the first couple months I joined one of the on-campus Christian groups and was able to make a lot of new friends. Over the past five years, a lot of those people have moved away permanently, some of left and come back and lots of new people have joined. But, overall, I have had a pretty solid group of friends.
Now, fast forward to the past few months. None of my really good friends are in the same program as me at school, so it has never been typical that I see my friends on weekdays (although it was happened) but it has always been kind of standard that I see at least some of my friends at some point on the weekend. The last few months, however, it feels like I hardly see any of my good friends at all. I knew we were all busy with school and work and life and whatever else was going on, so I kind of brushed it off for a while. I figured that no one was really hanging out as much as we used to; I never guessed that a lot of my friends were still hanging out and not inviting me.
It started out small: I would see one of my friends post some pictures on Facebook of some night with other people from our group of friends, and it kind of hurt my feelings that I wasn't invited but I didn't let it get to me. Over the years I've built a pretty strong shell to keep myself from getting hurt and it really does take a lot of really get to me.
Anyway, over the last three or four months, it feels like my "friends" are hanging out more and more without me, and it feels like the only times I get invited to hang out, it's almost like a pity invite rather than because they actually want me there or want to spend time with me. And, I mean, I'm not trying to be needy or clingy; I don't need to always be invited everywhere. But, you know, it would be nice if the people I consider friends actually wanted to spend time with me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it kind of hurts when it seems like my "friends" don't even want to spend time with me anymore, or when I see them somewhere, like at church, they don't even talk to me, other than saying hi. Or when a bunch of them talk about planning a girl's night, right in front of me, and don't even pretend that I'm invited. Maybe I'm being a huge drama queen about all of this, but I just feel like none of my friends like me anymore and/or they do not care at all about spending any time with me. asdfghjkl
Days until camp: 32
xo
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